Waiting for my real life to begin. Bad language warning

My first blog! Its been a long time coming. I've had online journals but never the real thing. Well firstly I am married and have three children that are 4, 3 and 1. I know, it totally falls under the category of "it seemed like a good idea at the time." And I love them. All of them, husband and all. Its just not what I expected, to say the least. The thing is, I'm not really that really that great at it. Being a wife and mom...I kinda suck ass. I see my friends doing all kinds of cool things to better themselves as a parent and I just have zero motivation. While my kids are running circles around me in the backyard, I sit with a diet coke and dream of traveling and maybe, just maybe having a job. Ahh, yes, I have been at home for 4 long long years. Before that I was an artist and loved it. I haven't created a piece of art (unless model magic counts) in just as many years. For someone that needs to create as much as she needs to breathe, that is not good. So, this is it folks..My creation. Excuse my spelling and grammar. Because, really, I have the best intentions.
I guess what is weighing heavy on me today is living in the past. I was watching "Grey Gardens" on Sunday and Little Edie says "there is a very fine line between the past and the present." It stuck with me (duh). I think about my life pre-craziness way too much. And I think its starting to compromise my real freakin' life. After all day every day of being everything to everyone, I dream of being nothing to anyone. Or maybe a teeny bit to a few people. But this has gotten way out of control. Maybe thats it, dear blog readers. I have lost a sense of control. They control me. (I just had a crazy "Dune" playback in my head...I control the SPICE and the spice controls the universe...)Anyway, I just need a mental health month to re-eval, I think. Okay, enough with the whining, I am very lucky..I know this
On a lighter note, I remember when Mason was a newborn and I would every once in awhile venture out with Trey and Grace in tow and everyone, EVERYONE would say to me "you really have your hands full"...no shit, Sherlock. I wanted to like, nanny cam my baby bjorn and put it on youtube. Its amazing how many folks say that in one outting. Its almost as bad as being 7 months pregnant in line at a store and the cashier says to you "I'll be right with you, try to not drop that baby while you wait" and all I want to do it get in her face and say, "I still have 10 more weeks, bitch." Geez..some people. Anyway, so yeah, I have my hands full. Thanks for noticing. And hey, thanks for telling me.